I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
