4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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