My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
why does every cop we meet know your name?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize