Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
