Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
