I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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