careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
His hands were made for my vagina.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
