Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
