I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
