he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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