my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
