Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
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