i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Be still, my beating vagina.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
