I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
