I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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