the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
