if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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