I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
