I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
