Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize