I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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