He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
