she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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