it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
