i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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