I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
