honey bunches of taint.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
