You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
