I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
