You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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