apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
