my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
