I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
