I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Found your dick twin last night
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
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