I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
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