My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
