I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
