Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
