it's too hot outside to masturbate.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
