Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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