I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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