Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Randomize
