True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
this hospital has no fireball
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
