I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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