we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Randomize
