Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
