you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
