Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
there is puke in my bra ... again
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
