im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
