I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
